How to Protect Your Home From Velociraptors

Unfortunately, it's a familiar feeling to thousands of homeowners. You've just returned home from work. It's been a long day. You're tired. You just want to sit down in your easy chair, turn on CNN, and wait for someone to go zap some frozen pizza. As long as you don't have to get up from your chair, it really doesn't matter who cooks. Heck, you'd be happy to take care of the job if someone would just wheel the microwave out of the kitchen and park it next to the talking face of Andersen Cooper. There are, after all, starving children all around the world, and you'd like to see every one of their hungry faces before you go to sleep.

But then you get home. The door, you discover, is unlocked. And there is an eerie silence that lingers over the hardwood floors like an unwelcome guest. And by guest, we mean your brother-in-law. The one who rubs the inside of his pants with raw salmon fillets before going to bed because "it just feels right down there."

Yes, that is the kind of silence lingering over your hardwood floors, the carpet, and the blood-stained walls. The malodorous silence of dead fish squeezed through your brother-in-law's undershorts.

It's sad, it's tragic, and inevitable: your home has been infested by velociraptors.

There's very little you can do after a velociraptor infestation.  Actually, there's nothing at all you can do.  Chances are, you've lost your spouse, your children, both your cats, your nephew's goldfish, and the little neighbor kid who always came over on weekends to play hide-and-go-seek with your son and daughter.  At this point, it would take a forensic scientist with a little patience and a very large supply of cotton swabs to determine just how many members of your family have been devoured.  And you don't have time for that.  Quite frankly, you're beyond the point of saving those losers who left the door unlocked.  Instead, you're moving on with your life.  You're calling U-Haul to let them know that you no longer need their services.  You're calling your boss to say you'll be spending a few nights at the office while the city gets your building condemned.

And why are you so calm in the midst of such blood-curdling tragedy?  You're calm because you were prepared.  You're calm because of a fifteen-point-six minute conversation you had last week with our representatives at VHA Insurance.

Here at VHA, we realize that insurance alone isn't enough for life-after-velociraptors.  Quite frankly, we understand that your life will never again be the same.  A reimbursed insurance claim won't replace the feeling of pride you would have experienced when your daughter finally had her braces taken out.  It won't help your step-son earn that Division I football scholarship he's been aiming for ever since he was old enough to fling soggy Cheerios at the dog.  And that puppy you adopted last week from the SPCA will never learn to defecate outside the house.  Or even outside the eighteen square feet of your living room which happen to be covered with your great-grandmother's Swedish rug.

At VHA, we approach every claim with you in mind.  We will come out to your home - in person - to inspect for the presence of doors, windows, fire-escapes, chimneys, keyholes, skylights, brick walls, and welded-steel frames.  We will carefully note the presence of these and other potential sources of velociraptor entry.  We will reimburse you the total cost of building a subterranean bunker of solid masonry.  Further, we'll even send over a technician to weld shut any seams, airholes, or tunnels which would allow velociraptors to enter or your new family to escape.

That's right, you heard correctly - your new family.  Because at VHA, we understand the futility of trying clone the DNA of family members who have been torn from this life by velociraptor attack.  Such cloned family members typically come out looking like those mutated versions of Sigourney Weaver from Alien 3.  And you know you'd never be able to visit the relatives with a half-child-half-velociraptor mutant eating the padding from between the back seats of your used Volvo.

Instead of adding to the necessary heartache that comes with having to put-down your family members for a second time, we skip the preliminaries to supply you with a new family.  And we have a wide variety to choose from: families with pets, families with children, even families with quiet, obedient children who will come to you when their names are called, the kind of children who won't flinch when you handcuff them to the toilet for peeing on the rug.  Because at VHA, we care about your well-being.  We want to see you back on your feet.  And we are not above kidnapping mentally-disabled orphans from third-world countries to ensure your peace-of-mind.

So give us a call today. Fifteen minutes with one of our representatives could save you fifteen years of trying to rebuild the family that was smeared across the linoleum tile of your old kitchen during a fifteen-second feed frenzy. And with our satisfaction guarantee, you can rest easy knowing that you are in good hands.

VHA: Protecting Homeowners from the ravages of velociraptor infestation since the Jurassic.