Batman Trumps All Other Super Heroes

That's right, don't be fooled, ladies and gentlemen: The Dark Knight is the baddest, most awe-inspiring destructive force on Earth.  Yes, more powerful even than Chuck Norris.  For all you doubting Thomases out there, here's the lowdown on how The Caped Crusader Bruce Wayne would defeat any and all opposition:

(all clipart decoration is courtesy of ClipArt For Free)

Batman Defeats Chuck Norris with Nun Chucks

Yes, the great Japanese weapon immortalized by Michelangelo of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is also better known by the original Oriental name "Non-Chucks."  That's right - they are specifically designed to de-spleenify any creature by the name of Chuck.  Even those of the Norris variety.  So when you have a man at your door who has another fist under that scraggly beard, you know what number to call: 1-800-Bat-Signal.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Stand No Chance Against The Bat

Michelangelo is choked in the night on his own pizza.  Leonardo lies imprisoned inside a box made of welded katana blades.  Donatello is left drooling all over himself in stunned awe of the electronic sexiness of the Batmobile as it runs him down.  And Rafael lacks the distinct sense of irony necessary to understand what it means when Alfred says that dinner tonight will be "Turtle Soup, Master Wayne."

Who You Gonna Call?  Ghostbusters?  Try Batman.

So Slimer and Sta-Puft thought they could mess with Gotham City.  Really, it's just like trying to mess with New York, except that Batman's been using proton packs as paper weights because he has something way better: the Batmobile.  That's right - with a fused-lithium chassis and a self-arming neutrino cannon that makes The Death Star look more like The Beach Ball, the Dark Knight can blast those pesky ghouls back to the ectoplasmic Stone Age.

Wolverine: The Bat says Animals Will Be Caged

So he his cells replenish themselves at an incredibly high healing rate.  That's okay - Batman's got something for you, Wolverine.  It's called a leash.  And it's made out of braided quantum nanowire with a subatomic diameter of one-eighth of a proton.  That's right - Batman can slice those Adamantium atoms into itty-bitty fractions of radioactive nuclei, causing them to slowly fission into puny little isotopes of zinc.  And you know that Batman say: zinc isn't an endoskeletal body armor - it's a vitamin.  And the Caped Crusader eats vitamins for breakfast.

Magneto's Personality Isn't Nearly Magnetic Enough for Bruce Wayne

Seriously - how long do you think an embittered Holocaust survivor would last at Gotham City Gala?  First, he'd get bored.  Then he'd get angry.  Then he'd realize that all these wannabe trillionaires are wearing fake plastic cuff links, and that their belt buckles are nothing more than varnished wood polished to a high gloss, and - oh my - that's a ceramic blade going through the poor Magneto's esophagus.  Eh, so much for that evil villain.

Dr. Horrible Gone Horribly Wrong

Joss Whedon thought he'd created the ultimate villain: a loving, tender, and gentle Neil Patrick Harris with a lust for avarice and world domination.  Well I got news for you dudes: Batman doesn't need a hammer to kick butt.  Go ahead, Doctor, try your Death Ray on for size.  That Freeze Ray won't work because Batman wears only the finest in temperature-controlled self-sealing body armors, and you can't kill Batman.

Captain Jack Harkness from Torchwood Dies in the Big Bang

So Jack's waiting around for his Doctor (who again?) to show up, but then Batman's on the scene.  Not one Batman, not two Batmans, but no fewer that eighteen nanologically enhanced Batmen from the future slip in through the Rift from some time in the future.  First, they wrestle Jack to the ground, then they haul him through the Rift, and then they go to the one place where a fixed point in time and space will be nothing special: The Big Bang.  By the time the Batmen are done with Captain Harkness, there's no story to even write about.

Dagny...okay, we'll leave her alone...it's better not to risk the loss of Cave Justice

(if you don't know who Dagny is, visit Dagny the Terrible and all those lesser, unimportant fictional protagonists.)

Superman?  You want to see what happens to Superman?

Question: How does Batman defeat Superman without kryptonite?

Answer: Batman always has kryptonite.  Always.

Lex Luthor's going to jail.  By way of the morgue.

That's right - old Lex thought he was so tough, putting on all those disguises.  But he wasn't.  He wasn't even that hip, actually.  Batman just hooks the evil-doer in the back of his drawers with a sky winch, hoists him into the air with The Worlds Ultimate Wedgie, and drops him off inside the jail.  Naturally, they stop at the morgue first because they have a Dunkin-Donuts across the street, and they make the best coffee there - better even than Starbucks.  And The Bruce can't get enough of that caffeinated justice.

The Unbreakable Bruce Willis is gonna get broken.

Take that, M. Night Shyamalan!  Hope you've got enough of a sixth sense to hide under your foil hat when the sun sets before a Dark Knight!

Skywalker Can Jump...but Batman can fly!

Let's see that green little Yoda thing save you now, Jedi!  Oh, what's that?  Darth Vader don't think this galaxy's big enough for two Dark Knights?  Well your Daddy best step aside, Luke, cause Batman don't need no light saber to school you in the ways of the "Force that idiot out the Bat Cave airlock if I have to..."

Spider-Man?

Oh, come on, get real - there isn't an arachnid on Earth that stands a chance against winged nocturnal mammals.  But you can try.  Oh yes, you can try.  Go ahead, spin your webs - Batman's gonna just spin up that circular saw...

The Terminator

The Bat loves Terminators.  And Skynet.  He finds them to be a great source of iron - better even than Wheaties.  And you know a crime fighter has to eat his Wheaties.  So the next time you see CGI robot bulked up on 'the juice" until it looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger, just give the Dark Knight a call.  He'll be over in no time.  Step aside John Connor - there won't be no android nuclear winter holocaust on The Bat's watch.